When Love Calls for Pain

What do you do when someone close to you  is making decisions that you know they will later regret?  Their choices are not just questionable, they are wrong because the path that the decisions lead them down is dark and harmful.  One day their choices will cause tremendous pain and harm to them and others.  What do you do?  Do you say anything at all?  Do you remain silent and remain supportive of this person for fear of jeopardizing the harmony of your relationship?  It’s sometimes easier to ignore it and pretend the situation isn’t there, right?  But what is the best and right thing to do?

These very questions have haunted me in numerous relationship scenarios, with different people, at different junctions in life, and in my different roles over the past 12 months.  It would take more than one hand to count up the ”opportunities” I have had for confrontation through this past year.  It has not been a fun ride, I promise.  Nobody in their right mind wants or likes confrontation.   I have had to dig deep, clean my own proverbial ”closets,”  renew my prayer life, seek Godly and biblical counsel so as to be able to properly  deal with these scenarios from a  biblical worldview. 

The biblical perspective is the key standard for right and wrong.  Not my personal presuppositions or traditions.  How is it that I can trust the  Bible as the ultimate source of truth for right and wrong?Three quick reasons:  The Bible is objective, it’s time tested, and divinely inspired.  As a student of the Bible, it teaches me how to confront  people in  a way that I can potentially redeem them from their paths that led to pain.

The following are a few check points that we need to consider before passing through the threshold of confrontation…

1. Have I put my motive and perspective into strict scruitiny to assure my utmost objectivity?   If I don’t first do a thorough and intrusive look into my own life to make sure I am coming to my friend with unclouded perspective, I will lose my moral authority in the conversation(Matt 7:5). 
2. Am I going to redeem this person or simply rebuke this person?  Some people consider it their spiritual gift to be an in your face prophet.  They feel they have the right to rebuke people, then walk away and let the rebuked pick up their own broken pieces.  No one needs or wants anyone to blast them.  Our words, posture, presentation, and approach all must be calculated and saturated in prayer.   Jesus lived and loved giving both “grace and truth” (John 1:14).  He lived, died, and ultimately rose again for the redemption of people.
3. Be careful that you don’t get drawn into the wrong path at the same time.   Galatians 6:1-2  calls us to care and go to those who are straying, but be alert  at the same time.  We don’t want to get sucked in to the same lies, compromise the truth, and find ourselves straying too.
4. Have I taken the proper steps to confront and redeem them?  Matt 18:15-18 gives us some clear direction for confronting a brother in sin. First, go one on one.  If that doesn’t work, go with a couple of other respected people.  The strength of numbers speaking the same message in harmony can be a powerful catalytic moment for some to make the necessary changes in their life. 
5. Be prepared to be misunderstood, misrepresented, and for the relationship to suffer.  Truth, even spoken in love, can  be painful to the hearer.  Even gentle words can hurt and cause a person to rebuff you in self defense (Prov 25:15)
6. Remain consistent in your life regardless of their response.  You cannot control the other person’s response.  The person’s response could be all over the page, but you should communicate by your actions that you are the same whether they want to continue the relationship or not.  By your consistent and faithful love you will not be sucked into the emotion of the moment.  When Jesus was dying on the cross, after abuse and undue punishment, misrepresentation,  and betrayal, He prayed: “Father forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing” Luke 23:34.

Some of your dear friends and family members may not know what they are doing with the choices they are making.  They may have become blind to the sins of their own life (2 Cor 4:4).  You may be the only voice in their life that will “speak the truth in love” (Ep 4:15) Confrontation isn’t easy, but at times it is absolutely necessary.  Do it with love.  Do it in prayer.  Just do it before they hurt themselves and those around them any more than they already have.